Logan Huntzberger's Rules for Dating

Logan Huntzberger's is often touted as the ultimate suitor for Rory Gilmore. With his quick-witted verbal sparring, Prince Charming good looks, and undeniable charm, it's easy to understand how a casual evaluation could lead one to this conclusion.  With the Gilmore girls revival just around the corner, now seems like the right time for a lesson in dating- Logan style.

 

Rule #1- Be rich. The kind of rich that allows your family to look down their plastic noses at Gilmore money.

 

Rule #2- Be exceptionally good-looking. This is the closest thing to a job you should ever have.

 

Rule #3- Be a bad boy. Seriously.  I'm not talking a Dean-off-the-bus-from-Chicago, 90s knee length trench coat, floppy - haired bad boy; or a cool, bookish, monosyllabic, gel'd haired Jess Mariano bad boy. I'm talking really bad. Break all the rules; heck, break all the laws. Get booted from school after school until only daddy's money and connections can save you. Live the lazy, worthless, playboy lifestyle to the hilt. Why? Two reasons: First, because you can. You're rich. You're beautiful.  You're untouchable. You're bored. Secondly, chicks love a bad boy.

 

Rule #4- Be a jerk, but for goodness sake, be charming about it! This is extremely important.  It is crucial that during your first few encounters with the girl you are pursuing, she regard you as the most shallow, worthless jerk on the planet- but a charming and exciting one ;D Plan an outrageous stunt to humiliate her in public, but make it something exciting  that could be regarded as "sweet".

 

Rule #5- Be adventurous. After all, besides pissing off the parents and spending their dough, what else do you have to do? Travel the world. Jump off cliffs. Follow a huge wheel of cheese down a really steep hill. Chicks love a guy who inspires them to take risks and challenges them to live a little on the edge.

 

Rule #6- Let her come to you. Throw out your charming, rich, adventurous net and see what you drag in.

 

Rule #7- Once you have her, mess stuff up. A lot. You want the fact that you are a worthless, butt-faced miscreant to be well-documented and firmly entrenched in her mind, from day one. She'll try to "help" (i.e. change) you, but as long as you stay rich and attractive, you're in like Flynn.  At such time as you have solidified your screw up status, throw her a curve ball once in a while by pulling your crap together and bailing her out of a tough day at work or having dinner with her grandparents. This is "normal" boyfriend stuff, but by doing it only occasionally and in between screwups, it will seem super special.

 

Rule #8- Avoid her friends and family as long as possible. Should you be forced into a situation where you have to meet them, do something really obnoxious like stealing a knick - knack or being a condescending jerk. Disguise your belittling as honesty unless the friend is an ex-boyfriend. In this case make no attempt to play nice. Use big words and put down his brightest accomplishments. *BONUS* When your girl storms off in a huff after you've berated her former boy-toy, you're free to assume you are broken up, thereby freeing you up to have sex with all the chick's you've been missing out on while in this "relationship".

 

Also, NEVER visit her on her home turf. Do not go to her home town until it's time to propose or you need a note from her mommy.

 

Rule #9- Grand gestures. Since you'll be screwing up a lot, you'll need a quick way to patch things up. Grand gestures are great, but time consuming. They usually require a lot of thinking and planning and even work. Meh. Instead, I suggest the Grand Genarasture. Here's how it works-money. Whenever your girl is in a tiff, just throw some of daddy's money at the problem. Do things that seem like grand gestures, but which require no thought or effort. Endless bouquets of flowers. Truckloads of candy. A coffee cart for a day.

 

Grand Generastures work great for gift giving as well. The more expensive, and less labor intensive and creative, the better. Hand over your car and driver for a day. Buy her a Birkin Bag. Set her up in your posh apartment.

 

You may ask, "But Logan, won't she realize these are only hollow gestures that require only money and a phone call?" If she does, dump her. (But she won't.)

 

Rule #10- Bond with her loser dad. After all, he's the future you!

 

Rule #11- Pretend to "clean up your act" by spending a year in Europe, "working" and meeting cute British girls with boys names. Once this plays out, blow millions of dollars in a hair-brained scheme. The sympathy you'll win will earn you months of getting out of stuff you don't want to do and blowing off steam while globe-trotting with your even more worthless pals.

 

Rule #12- Propose in a manner which will make her so uncomfortable she just may say yes to escape the embarrassment. 

 

Follow these rules to land the perfect starter wife. And don't worry, if she turns you down you'll still have a fandom of girls mesmerized by your charm, good looks and bad boy spirit swooning for you. Who knows,  they may even beg for you and she to be reunited ;)

7 Reasons Why I Hate Christopher Hayden, and Why You Should, Too

7 Reasons Why I Hate Christopher Hayden, and Why You Should, Too

 

Christopher isn't exactly anyone's favorite Gilmore girls character.  He's seen by all but a (misguided? confused? insane?) few, as just one of many obstacles standing between Luke and Lorelai. However, a few of us true believers hate Christopher with a deep, passionate loathing. Let's take a closer look at why I hate Christopher's ass-face guts, and why you should too.

1. He ‘s a shitty dad.
   The first time we meet Christopher, he comes roaring into Stars Hollow on his motorcycle. Rory is, of course, overjoyed to see her dad.  Lorelai…not so much.  During their exchange Lorelai asks Chris what brings him to town. He replies that he was “just passing through” on his way to see his parents, so he thought he’d drop in on the Gilmore girls. What. An. Asshole. This casual statement has to hurt Rory on some level. To Chris, Rory is simply an afterthought. It was convenient for him to swing by, so he did.
    
   We find out in the next episode that this is the first time Christopher has EVER been to Stars Hollow. His nearly 16-year-old daughter has lived there since she was a toddler, and he has never visited. This is the moment that created- and perpetuates- my lifelong hate of Chris.
    
   He’s missed birthdays, doctor’s appointments, and all her firsts. He’s missed every lost tooth. He’s missed Christmas after Christmas. Now that Rory’s grown and the work of raising her is done, he wants to swoop in and be her buddy.  Dick.
    
2. He’s only around when things are good between him and Lorelai.
   When Christopher comes to town, you can bet he’s going to spend most of his time trying to get with Lorelai. During the aforementioned first visit to Stars Hollow, he takes advantage of Lorelai’s vulnerability after she gets an emotional beat-down from her parents. On another trip he lies to both Lorelai and Rory about his flourishing business and proposes to a flabbergasted Lorelai. Yet another time he sleeps with Lorelai and then proceeds to crush the girls’ hope that he is going to stick around for once.
    
   Worse yet, Christopher consistently cuts Rory out whenever he and Lorelai are on the outs.
    
3. He’s always letting Rory down.
   It might be in one of a million small ways, like promising Rory a book he can’t actually buy. At other times he disappoints her monumentally, like when he gets Rory’s hopes up that he and her mom are going to get back together, or when he promises Rory he’ll stay away from Lorelai and then immediately breaks that promise. Christopher can always be counted on- to not be counted on.
    
4. Every time he comes to town he fucks shit up for Lorelai.
   As mentioned above, Christopher takes advantage of an emotional Lorelai on his first trip to Stars Hollow; this on the night that Lorelai was supposed to be helping Luke paint. From that moment on, he leaves Lorelai a wreck of hurt feelings and confusion after every visit.
    
5. He’s the “adult” version of Logan.
   ‘Nuff said.
    
6. He’s even more of a douche when he inherits big money.
   Christopher was only 90% worthless butthole before he inherits millions of dollars. The dough simply closes that last 10%. Throwing money around like a pimp, now he is not only worthless, but arrogant and condescending as well. Beauty.
    

       7.  He’s a terrible influence on Lorelai.
           Talking Lorelai into getting married without              Rory there is despicable, and unforgivable.


 


Liking Christopher is cause for admittance to an institution. Simply dismissing him as an annoyance isn’t enough. A pure hate of Chris is all that will do. Join me, won’t you?